Pill Problems

I have a confession.  I have a drug problem.  Actually it’s more of a drug packaging problem.

I don’t go to a doctor unless I have to.  The whole doctor, hospital, medical thing rather scares me.  I’ve never liked taking medication of any kind.  Neither pills nor liquids.  After a major surgery a few years ago I was supposed to take B12 vitamins for life.  I did good there for a few months but then it got so hard to put that little pill in my mouth.  So, I stopped.  After a couple of years I started having some odd health issues.  Everything I read on Dr. Internet pointed to “B12 deficiency”.  So I begrudgingly started taking those again.         

Just recently I was prescribed a cholesterol and a blood pressure pill so I figured I’d better take those if I wanted to live.  I had no idea the drug manufacturers had stopped using pill bottles and switched to those aluminum foil blister pack things in a cardboard box.  It says to “press down and pull” but apparently those instructions are for the incredible hulk, not the average human being.  I press and I pull and I never can get the pill pack out.  I try pressing and pulling at the same time, pressing then pulling but it won’t budge.  My temper flares and I go into Lizzie Borden mode and I get my axe...one, two, three…eighteen…twenty nine…forty whacks.  There, that should do it.  Okay, so actually I take out the scissors and cut and tear the cardboard box open and then rip out the pill pack.  

Next you have to push that pill out of the pack.  You have to push with one hand and catch the pill with the other hand.  This should be easy, right?  I have to apply so much pressure on this super strength tin foil stuff I send the pill flying right out of my hand.  On the floor.  My mysophobia kicks in immediately.  My pill is on the floor.  The floor.  Where people have walked.  The dirty, disgusting floor full of grit and dirt and hair and feces and, and maggots and alien species.  Nooooo.  The six second rule flashes through my mind.  One Mississippi, two Mississippi…I’m frantically searching…five Mississippi…I’m still searching…seven Mississippi and there it is.  Seven seconds.  Too late.  This pill is going in the garbage.  Now I have to get another one.  I lean over the counter this time.  Push, pop, and it bounces on the counter top a couple of times and bam, I manage to grab it.  Whew. 

And since I am OCD I must always push those pills out in the proper order.  Top row, left to right, then down to the next row, right to left.  Never push the pills out of order.  I think they turn into a placebo if you do that.  Yes, yes, I’m quite sure they do.

I’m not sure what the reason is for this new anti-human packaging.  Is it cheaper to package it this way?  Is it easier to dispense this way?  Is it for safety reasons?  It’s definitely childproof.  Adultproof too.

Personally I wish they’d bring back the good ol’ pill bottle.  Push down and turn.  Push down and turn…I could do that.